Ok, I have a few minutes so I am sitting down to answer the burning question you all have...why did I stay so tight lipped on social media about my pregnancy with Ender. Well, it's a very long story, but as they say, begin at the beginning and go on until you get to the end, so here goes.
Last year, after I graduated from college, a year ago today actually ^_^, Jacob and I got this hair brained idea to have another kid. So we thru caution to the wind and a couple of weeks later, I was pregnant. I was excited, apprehensive, nervous, etc etc...but I was also thinking, that something just wasn't quite right, I could not put my finger on it, but I knew something felt a little off. In fact when I told the head of the training committee of my roller derby league that I was going to be off skates, I asked her not to say anything to non-essential folks because, something felt weird. So I was being cautious, I only told the gals in my carpool because, I was riding with them, so obviously they would be all "ummm Gypsy why aren't you skating" even though all derby girls know that if a team mate suddenly shows up to practice off skates, it can only be one injury...the blessed 9 month injury ^_^. So I continued life, went to derby and even danced at the Mirage a time or two. We were getting ready to move in July, and we also had to drive out to Nebraska for Jacob's grandma's funeral. Well, on June 11, I started bleeding. We went to the ER, they did an ultrasound, and everything was fine, at that point, baby had a strong heart beat, but my placenta was bleeding. They told me it may stop, or it may be the beginning of a miscarriage. So I was scared. It was sad to me that I was going to possibly lose my baby. So we went home, and I laid down and watched "what to expect when you are expecting", and about half way thru the movie, I started having contractions, because that is what it is ladies and gents, contractions, not cramps or pain, its labour, and then there was A LOT of blood. I was bleeding for a few days before I could get into see the doctor again, they did another ultrasound, and my little baby that was alive and well just days before, was gone. All I saw was a screen with an empty womb. Now I have studied science, and I am religious, but neither one of those could prepare me for the sadness I felt when I realized what had happened to me. Logically I knew it was a "good" thing. Miscarriage is the body's way of aborting a pregnancy when there is something wrong with the early development of a fetus. I was about 7 weeks along when I had my miscarriage. But the emptiness I felt was beyond imaginable. But lucky for me, I have great friends, and a great family who helped me through it. I got up, and got on with my life. I was sad, my kids were sad because we had told them, but I was being strong for them and for me.
We packed and moved...and that is another story altogether that I AM NOT getting into right now lol.
We got to San Antonio and I met my new roller derby team, I started going to practice and everything was getting normal again. My body leveled out, really quickly actually, it was only a month after my miscarriage that things got back to normal. But August came, and my period did not......and I was like...WHAT is going on???? I was on all sorts of blogs and forums looking for information about why I would skip a period after a miscarriage. Finally the madness went on long enough, I told Jacob I thought I might be pregnant, I took a test...several actually. And they were all positive. And I was scared. I went to the doctor to get a prescription refilled a few days later, and I told him I suspected I was pregnant and he had me do a blood test. When I was at the pharmacy picking up the prescription the pharmacist handed me info about the meds that said in HUGE BOLD LETTERS....DO NOT TAKE WHILE PREGNANT. I had been taking this medicine for a while, I took it during the pregnancy I lost, and also during this current one. I asked the pharmacist what could possibly happen and he rattled off a list of things including miscarriage and birth defects. Well needless to say I didn't ever take another pill, and I began panicking that day.
I went to the OB and was seeing an attending physician, which in the army is a big deal, mostly you will see residents or midwives but because of the medication I had been on I saw an attending, and he was awesome, he and his resident were amazing. I saw them on a Tuesday, they did an ultrasound, and dated me at 6 weeks pregnant, I went back the next week, they did another ultrasound and the baby had grown ^_^ so they were optimistic that it would be fine. I however was not. I was scared to death. Miscarriage is physically painful and mentally painful and I did not want to go thru it again. So a few days later I told my parents and sister, who by the way told me about a week or 2 before I told her I was pregnant that she was pregnant, funny ole world ain't it. But I asked them not to tell anyone. I did not post on social media, because I didn't want to have to deal with telling folks if something bad happened. I left it to my husband to tell his family, of course he sort of told them lol, he told his mom and dad, but failed to tell any of his brothers and sisters...sorry guys, that was totally on him lol. So I was pregnant!!! I continued to be involved with my derby league, and I was dancing still, until my belly got in the way. Photos of me were chest up only to keep the world from finding out. I told my closest friends about my pregnancy but that was it. I was cautiously optimistic. I didn't even buy an outfit for the little guy until I was 7 months pregnant, and didn't open any of the baby stuff I had until he came home. So that is why I didn't say anything, I was scared that he was going to be lost, like the last one, or that he was going to die shortly after birth because of the meds. One thing I must share that is so very important to me, was that on all those miscarriage forums I was on, the moms spoke of their angel babies. I didn't feel like I had an angel baby, I thought something was wrong with me, but when I turned up pregnant with Ender, something inside me just knew, it was the same exact spirit. If you are a believer, which I am, you can maybe understand, he is the same baby, he just had to wait a little longer.
Fast forward to his birth, they made me have him 2 weeks early because of my health, it wasn't bad, but I used to be extremely overweight and because of that had really bad blood pressure so they monitored me very closely. The birth was traumatic and fast, that's another blog too. And when he was born, he spend the first 39 hours of his life in the NICU because he couldn't breathe. He came out blue, and stayed that way until they inflated his lungs with positive pressure, he didn't need extra oxygen, just a little help getting his lungs to transition to breathing air. That is why I didn't post about him until the day after he was born, again, I didn't want to put it out there, just incase.
Ok, now I know some folks are mad, and you can be mad, but its my life, my decision, my body. I chose to deal with it the way I felt was best for me, and that is all that matters. But what is awesome, is that I have my sweet little Ender, and he is perfect, and happy, and I love him more than I ever thought I could.
